You are just a few weeks into this new motherhood thing. I know you are feeling so overwhelmed with so many different emotions and feelings. You were not prepared to have your baby at 37 and a half weeks. You were not prepared to be induced, be in labor for 27 hours or to have a c section. You were also not prepared for the recovery of this major surgery and change in your body.
I know you are feeling so run down. You are a zombie. Your brain is running on co-pilot. The only things that are running through your head now are: "When did we feed him last? Check the app... How much did he take? Did we change his diaper? Why is he acting fussy? Should we try gas drops? I really want another cup of coffee, but will that affect my milk? When did I last pump? Check the app..." (The app in this case is Baby Center for all you moms to be! It's great to keep track of all that fun stuff in the beginning)
You are also wondering if he will sleep better tonight. Maaaaaybe you will get a stretch of 3 - 4 hours this time. You are also wondering if you will be able to shower in the next couple of days without worrying about being away from him for longer than 10 minutes. But, boy does that shower feel great when you do get it!
You are crying. You are crying A LOT! Some happy tears, but mostly from being overwhelmed. You are crying while you rock him at night praying for him to sleep. You are crying because your hormones are so out of whack. You are crying out of frustration, exhaustion, and love. You are worrying that you are not a good mother because you just want to take a break and go to Target for an hour. You feel guilty all the time. The mother guilt is the WORST kind you have ever felt.
Your nipples are on fire. You want to take the breast pump and throw it out of a moving vehicle or smash it with a baseball bat Office Space style while 2 Pac music is blaring in the background. You despise the pump. You feel guilty for despising the pump because you know it is what is best for your baby.
You hate your body. You want your old, post-preggo body back. You feel sorry you ever complained about it. You want your stomach to shrink back down over night and you want your boobs to go back to their firm, perky selves. You realize that may never happen without surgery. Your stomach may never be completely flat again (not that it really was before, but now it really won't be). You realize you will have a scar on your lower belly for life. It is still sore and there are some numb areas that will probably be there for a while too. You feel as though your body is just a vessel; a feeding vessel... a soft, round, mushy, feeding vessel.
I promise you that it does get better. I know everyone has told you this. Trust me, it does. Eventually Camden's reflux will get better. He will not strain and grunt as much after he eats. He will sleep for longer periods of time. You will get the hang of the night time routine. He will get used to sleeping in his crib. He actually loves to be swaddled in there now. Don't be afraid to try it. And now, he sleeps through the night. We are talking 8pm to 7am!
The first 2 months are pure survival mode. It is all trial and error no matter what anyone tries to tell you or what advice you hear or read. Every baby is different and every parent's way is different. You have to figure out what works for you. Although, you should take what you hear and read and try to apply it comfortably in your own way. Because there is some truth to a lot of theories.
It does get better. The moment he makes eye contact with you... The moment you see that first real baby smile... The moment he realizes you're in the room and he smiles with delight. The moment he starts cooing at you as if to say "I love you mommy". These moments will completely melt your heart and it will break it in to a million pieces. It is the heaviest love you have ever felt in your life. A love like you would do anything and everything for this little boy. You would give your life... easy.
Soon you will be crying rocking him to sleep not out of frustration, but because you are realizing how fast he is growing. You will realize that these moments with your baby are fleeting. That you won't always be able to nuzzle the back of his neck after you burp him or have conversations in your own language on the changing table. You won't be able to kiss those chubby cheeks a million times a day when he's 16... Or even 6 for that matter. He will grow up and you will long for these days back again.
I promise that these dark sleepless days will end and you will start to feel your normal self again. But, you will never be the same again. You have something amazing to live for now. You have the most adorable son. And he adores you.
You are lucky. You are loved. You are a mommy. Never forget.